Teacups & Toy Soldiers

I am sipping coconut water on a nearly deserted white sand beach while the sun is slowly setting on the horizon. The water is a twinkling blue and a slight breeze makes the palm trees sway gently. I hear the sea gulls calling…their calls start to sound louder to me…and now they don’t sound like sea gull calls…they sound like my 7 month old crying….and the crying is getting louder and louder. I snap out of my dream produced island getaway and blink my eyes open rapidly. I look at the clock – it is 3:58 AM. I then look beside the bed in to my little one’s crib. She is staring up at me with the puppiest of puppy dog eyes now that she knows she has woken me. She reaches her arms out to me and says “mamamama”.

Do I love being awake in the middle of the night? NO. But, do I love this little girl who stares so deeply in my eyes that I can practically feel the love overflowing from her heart? ABSOLUTELY. I realize that she will not always need me like she does right now. There will come to be nights when I miss her wailing and the sweet cooing and babbling that follows as I hold her in my arms and she explores my face with her little hands (and swipes my glasses off). There will come nights further down the road where she is not only not in my husband and my room, but not even in her own room down the hall. She will be grown and living her own separate life.

To be honest, I also think of how long I prayed for 4:00 AM wake-up calls. I saw my friends having babies while I was muddling my way through law school. I so wanted to join the mommy brigade, but to be in law school and then study for the bar with a baby? No, thank you. So, we waited. We lost an early pregnancy and although I was only 7 weeks along, it was devastating. To go from such immense joy to such sadness in the span of just a few weeks was emotionally and physically draining. When we felt the time was right, we tried again – and God blessed us with Z. He knew what he was doing. If we hadn’t lost that earlier pregnancy, we wouldn’t have Z. We would have some essence of her, but not HER. She was worth the wait and she is worth a wake-up call no matter what time of day or night.

I am thankful for 4:00 AM wake-up calls because I know there are some mamas out there who yearn for a baby to wake them at 4:00 AM. They have lost babies, or they have lost pregnancies, or the timing is not right for a baby they so desperately wish for. I will always be thankful for the cries in the night for I know there are many who wish to hear that sound.

I am thankful for 4:00 AM wake-up calls because I am thankful for my daughter. So, so long white sandy beaches and carefree dream living, I have a little girl to sing to and rock back to sleep.